Thursday, December 11, 2008

What Is Right With You ?

"Do We Have To Do This ?????!!!!" OR

"Does this hat make me look fat ?"

Today I don't feel like it. I don't feel like being the best me. I don't feel like creating. I don't feel like improving myself. I am tired. I just want to go brain dead for the day.

Even as I type this I know it is not completely true. What I want (at least what my soul really wants !) is to be filled effortlessly with an amazing energy of love and courage that will carry me through the day and see me arrive at the other side with wonderous accomplishments that have made a difference in the world.

But effortlessly, you know.... not with the big struggle to push the weights weighing me down off my shoulders, back, neck etc....

Know any tricks to make it easy ?

"Just be in the moment" is the answer that keeps coming to me.

and

"Love is the answer to every question" - self-love today I think...

and

"Be gentle with yourself." - that's a nice one...

and

"Cradle your wounded places like precious babies." - my favorite Sark words ever I think. That one makes the hot tears come...

I know I get into these kinds of moods when I come back from time with my family and especially Katie. I get my love fix big time but then I come back home and it takes just a few days for it to all get sucked out of me. I also know that seeing that baby brings up things about our decision not to have kids. I don't regret that decision - if I could go back, I would make the same one again. It was made with a lot of love and understanding at the time and I think it will be all okay in the long run. It is just that seeing Katie and all her wonder, and knowing I am 43 and there is no way I will ever give birth to a child of my own, well, somewhere in me, I am mourning that... If I will never be a mother, will I ever feel like a complete woman ? I have hope that I will but I think I have to get over the mourning part first ...

Those are some of my wounded places that need some cradling...

I will be gentle with myself and let myself feel that sadness...

I will love myself through the rough days, because I am so exquisitely beautiful inside and because, I know, love is the answer...

And in this moment, I can really see so very many things that are right with me....

10 comments:

arlene said...

Ah Kim. *insert hug* Words can't cover it at all. Just know that even when you have kids, they grow up and totally get big, busy lives. And grandchildren are so precious, but who says they'll live close? So we all come to this place where we have to actively love others who are not put right here in our face every day, we just have to go out and find those who we can love.
All you self advice is good. Listen to your heart and cry if you want. This life is YOUR party!

sherry smyth said...

Kim, you spoke to my soul today. That's exactly how I'm feeling...I've had this virus yes, but I think it's also the point I'm at in December..I still have parcels to mail, things to do and the energy?! non-existent...and I'm being "okay" about it even though I'd love to be able to get up and go!!

The fur baby looks lovely in the Santa hat!

Genie Sea said...

And sometimes it's okay to kick a tin can down the street with all that you've got :) ROAR! :)

JeriAnn said...

Who can look at a puppy face like this and not think that dogs express emotion? Personally, I think she's worried one of her dog friends might see her.

As for the dark passages, while no one can know what it's like being you, I understand the loss of one of life's possibilities. I think you are wise to be still and treat yourself kindly.

And meanwhile, remember, you are among friends.

michelle ward said...

oh kim, i wish i could blow away the dark cloud over your head. you asked for tricks....how about re-reading all your positive messages you've painted on your rocks? ebbs and flows. it will be ok. curling up and feeling it is ok too, as long as you know we are here to help you get your balance again. *big squishy hugs*

Melissa said...

What's going on? Is there something in the air? I have been feeling the same way - I also don't want to be my best self. Ugh.

You are heard and held and gently left for some alone time and peeked back in on for another hug.

Those feelings are sucky to feel, but they are real and valid. I can relate to them.

I had my daughter at 18, alone. I wanted more children, but as time went by with no mate...I decided I didn't want to start all over again. Hubby accepted this decision. BUT, every once in a while the thought of possibility creeps up. The sharing of it this time around and not going through it alone. The fun it would be. Now, this is totally natural, totally normal. I think humans have a tendency to focus in on the fun stuff we believe we're missing out on. But there is a lot of work behind having children. That's the part I remind myself about. I have other things that I need to do in this life. There are difficult choices to make in life. Personally, I don't buy into the whole "have it ALL" thing. But that's just me. And so, no matter how appealing the thought of having another child is, it's not going to happen...it's much too late for that, T is 17, almost the age I was when I had her, and after many years, I've almost got my 'freedom' back. If it's selfish - so be it.

I know You know this, but I have to say it....Having children doesn't make anyone a complete woman. There are plenty of women who have children and are completely horrible to them. A complete woman says, "I am a complete Woman because I am here and there is no such thing as a not-complete Woman." Kim you are an amazing wonderful creative sharing wise fun COMPLETE Woman! Declare it My Friend because it is already true whether you believe it or not. Fight that misguided part who tells you otherwise.

~BIG HUGE HUGGLES FOR YOU KIM, a completely wonderful soul!!~
Melissa

jennlui said...

oh yes... we all know what to do right??? being gentle, being in the moment, loving ourselves how we are right now... but sometimes it just feels better to just be grumbly. to just poke at our wounded parts and embrace the sadness. i think it's all valid. sometimes we just have to stand in the shadows to later on see the light and grow from our experiences.

but what i love about you is your gift to shine your light... on others, on yourself, on wounded parts. yes there are so many things that are right with you and i'm so very happy that you see them too.

big hugs to you, and sending you love. you are wonderful!!!

peace and blessings

Genie Sea said...

Hugs! I have tagged you :)

Dream With the Fishes said...

I know what you mean. I'm 41 and no children (by choice), and lately I've been wondering if it was the right choice. Like you, I'm pretty sure it was, but as the possibility of changing my mind is just about past, I find myself wondering. Your self gave you good advice - be gentle, be safe, be love. I'm taking your self's advice for my self. Wishing you all the love and courage you need to carry you through your days, and much more! xoxo Serena

Funky Art Queen said...

But I think we some times needs days like these. Brain dead days, healing days, self love days. Hugs going out to ya!