(2008 journal page)
"You can Trust the Path unfolding Before You."
(Jen Lemen Trust Card this morning)
I was thirty-one when I got my driver's license. I lived in a big city all my life with a great transport system and I had friends and boyfriends with cars. I just didn't need it until then.
When it was time to take my my practical driving test , I had "the Mean Tester Guy". You know the one you see coming in with young girls and guys crying behind him because he had just failed them ? I said to my friend while we were waiting "I hope I don't get him !", knowing in my soul that I was absolutely going to get him as my tester ! No doubt at all!
That Tester Guy was a lean, mean, keen testing machine. I drove, he watched, took notes, made no comments, not a word of encouragement, not a cracked smile, nothing. Then when I had done my parallel parking and we had stopped, he asked me if he could ask me something. At this point, I just wanted to know if I had passed or failed since I had had no reaction from him the whole way through. I said, "Yes?" kind of impatiently. He asked :
"Why do you drive like someone is chasing you ? Do you live like that too ?"
At the time, I was so annoyed, and I had had enough of "Mean Tester Guy" ! Who did this Guy think he was ! So I replied "What, did I go too fast somewhere ? Did I fail ?????". MTG kind of sighed and then said "No, you got 89% - you pass.". With that, our lovely time together was over and we walked back into the license bureau to complete the paperwork. At least I wasn't crying like the last three people he had walked in with !
But you know what ? Mean Tester Guy's words still ring in my head to this day - 12 years later. He is so right - he saw it so clearly after being with me for those twenty minutes in that car. I am so very often running through life like someone is chasing me! I drive that way (not fast, but like I need to move out of the way, like someone is watching and judging, always questioning if I am driving the "right" way, wanting to be the "Good" driver) because I live that way most of the time !
I think whatever has been chasing me is catching up. This is a good thing. I am tired of trying to outrun it, so very tired. Being human means facing messy human life stuff - this is one of my times in life to do that, I guess.
How I face it is the stuff of Spirit. I can face it by looking only at the dark side or I can face it with my spirit turned upwards, asking for help, guidance, love and support from the light within and around. That's how I am trying to do it, face this deep dark stuff by shining a big fat light on it.
Just like Mean Tester Guy, the hard stuff is here to teach me. I am still figuring out what this lesson is all about but I will get there, I think. And for these lessons, my Soul is truly grateful.