Monday, June 6, 2011

Sometimes, there’s a hole…

Yesterday, I spent Sunday afternoon  facing this view…

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North Hampton State Park beach, NH.

How blessed am I ? Winking smile

I was in a bit of a strange mood.

One that I will choose to blame on hormones.

You see, 97 % of the time, I am utterly and completely fine with the fact that David and I decided not to have any children.

But every once in a while, I hit a day that falls into that 3 %

where the fact that I don’t have a child to love and to be loved by for the rest of my life

is like a hole in me.

Maybe it is because this gorgeous creature is turning twenty today :

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(my sister Nat and Jessica from Fall 2010)

and she was the first baby that I ever really, really loved and was loved back by…

(Happy Birthday, Beautiful Jessie ! I love you so much.)

or because I am missing this 3 year old niece who is the best niece since Jessica, and who I haven’t seen nearly as much as my heart wants to lately :

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(Katie – April 2011)

(I am coming over soon, Katie ! I miss you !)

Or maybe it is because I am 45 and my hormones are getting ready to bring me out of my childbearing years into the next phase of womanhood…

I don’t know but man, oh, man did I want a kiddo yesterday !

I spent a lot of my time at the beach watching a family of six play,

two sets of twins, I think, two girls and two boys about a year apart.

They were so cute !

One thing I learned from watching them was that there is no way I would never want to have had 4 kids as sweet as they were…man, that is a busy life !

But maybe, if it was just one…???

Okay, enough !!

I think I will just have to head up north asap, and get me some good niece and nephew loving to fill in that hole a little more.

And in the mean time, I will go back to creating in other ways !

sunflower22

Here is another Sunflower Girl that I did last week.

I think it may just get framed up and given to Jessie as a birthday gift…

And here is a work in progress journal page :

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I did the yellow background a while ago – extra paint from the palette smeared here and there..

The circles and the sequin waste pattern are actually rubber stamps with StazOn ink in black.

The marionette figure came about in kind of a cool way.

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I ripped shapes from an old dictionary page to form a head, a torso and some arms.

And then the figure just needed a torn skirt to become the puppet that she is…

Twinkling H20s added color to her…

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Maybe I will add this quote to the page somehow :

“How ridiculous I was as a Marionette! And how happy I am, now that I have become a real boy!” -  Carlo Collodi

We shall see…

Today will be about some mundane Monday things like groceries and stuff.

But also Meditation class tonight.

I have been a lapsed meditator these days and it is time to get back to practice !

I hope you are feeling fulfilled this Monday, Beautiful Ones.

Big Love !

27 comments:

Susie Riley said...

Speaking from one who occasionally paddles the same boat you're finding yourself in, it helps to focus on the abundant pro's of being the Auntie and having the privilege of fun without the burden of responsibility, not to mention being privy to most of the good and none of the bad.

Go grab some of that gorgeous vitamin D in this big blue sky and feast on your blessings! (Besides, errands sure would be more of a pain in the butt with a car seat and someone in it...)

Smiles and hugs on their way to you down there in the Queen City! xoxos

Patti said...

Miss Kim, thank you for sharing your longings so openly. What to say I do not know but I pray you will find peace about your decision it is a hard one for most women the when, the how many or not at all. And when the decision is starting to be beyond your control it is no longer your choice it changes the dynamic. To it is now longer in my control the choice has been taken away the thoughts, feelings change or need to change because the situation has change but not the longings.
Hope that made sense love you girlfriend....

Patti said...

meant to say "it is no longer"

Spadoman said...

Being a man, it's hard for me to relate to bearing children, but raising them is another matter entirely. I thank you for sharing these thoughts with me, (us, but there is no one here with me reading this right now, so it is me).
I look back on raising three daughters. What I didn;'t know was how fast the time will go by. I didn't know we'd lose the oldest first born in an automobile accident, (20 years ago this Wednesday). I have forgotten a lot of raising kids, but the joy of having my 4 Grandchildren living with us is wonderful and I'm paying attention this time. No drugs or alcohol to look through like I did with my own children. A measured even keeled response to actions and behavior.
I say all this not to brag to you about what I have and had where you did not, but to tell you that I see YOU are still capable of love, and that is the utmost in admirability. I pray and send positive energy that the 3% goes by quickly. ((((((((((Kim))))))))))


Peace

Chel said...

*huge hugs* One thing I can say about children is that no matter how sweet they are, they really sort of EXCEL at "receiving" and are sort of shaky on the "giving" end of things. I learned with Gracie is that it's my job as a mom to fill the holes and her job just to be a carefree little spirit in the world. Sometimes she showers love on me but more often (much more often!) she's too busy being herself and interested in what she's interested in. I don't think the holes get filled so much as things are too chaotic to even think about the holes!!

But it's such a difficult decision. I am ALWAYS thinking about if we should adopt again. In some ways, I feel pretty good about being a three-person unit, but I have issues being an only child as an adult and I don't want to make Gracie face the same things.

Oh, I don't know... it's all SO difficult and emotional and it's this CORE issue that makes me think and feel in places that are generally unchartered and it scares me to go there.

As always your thoughts as so cherished. And your art is BEAUTIFUL and inspires the heck out of me- you've totally motivated me to use my Twinkling H20s again! Now I use them on everything!

And meditation- it's so important but so subtle it easily slips away from me, too. I'm trying to be really diligent about it. Summer is a crazy time- I desperately need as much meditation as I can find the time for!!

rachel awes said...

i love what/who you make.
they are all friends.
heavenly company,
dear one. xox

rebecca said...

i love you.

your unabashed honesty...on any given day fills me.
what ever your mood you take the time to embrace us all. to ensure that we being our day in the arms of love.

i suspect you have more "children" filling your heart then you could ever begin to imagine.

your mothering heart so clearly present and affirming us all.

holding you right back in the arms of mother love.

xoxoxoxoxox

Carmen said...

this touch me deeply, my head goes like this sometimes (I wished I had a husband earlier to share a family and stuff I also wish I had one more child) and I agree it is mostly during the time when hormones are in the highest, but oh well when the clarity of my reality comes to me I see the why of things. It is so comforting that we are not alone and we relate and comfort each other by releasing these longings, feelings or emotions
hugs my dear Kim!

Marit said...

It is a struggle sometimes, being a woman and facing the decisions.... It all has pro's and contra's... and I know you know that too. You are a wise women. There's nothing I can say to comfort you, but know that I'm thinking of you and embrace you in my thoughts.

Bex Barrow said...

Dear Kim, I am in the same position as you, and most of the time, its fine. And then it hits you like a fryingpan in the face, and you know in your heart you made the right decision, so why is every cell in your body screaming 'WANT BABY NOW!!!!' ? It is really really hard, whether you chose this path or had it forced on you, as I effectively did. Thank you for being brave enough to say its not always perfect and easy. I am sending love, and rejoicing that you are creating other things that are so beautiful. xxx Bex

Bex Barrow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kate said...

KIm,

I think you hit a nerve with a lot of folks but perhaps embracing your inner Auntie is the best for you. I didn't have your issue I wanted a child more than anything. Enough to go the fertility drug route, I wanted more but it never happened. So that is where my heartbreak has always been. Although it is challenging I wouldn't trade having my daughter in my life for anything. This sounds like a temporary thing for you and will most likely pass.

I love the sunflower girl, she'd make a great print or card too! I know I would love one.

Wishing you calm on this blustery monday.

Kate

Elena said...

I have one son but it took 8 years to have him and I remember that horrible ache of seeing children when you want children. But now that he's becoming a hormonal 13 yr old I thank the heavens for the wisdom in sending me only one. But it must be a hormonal thing that happens every so often. I caught myself the other day wishing I could have another and knowing it's physically impossible. Then I remembered that there's a reason I only had one. The love you have extends not only to the beauties in your family but to all those whose hearts you touch.

Sherry Smyth said...

I love how you share your heart with us. 97% of the time you are fine with this decision; 3% you are not. Hormones play havoc with our emotions. There is desire and then there is need/passion/commitment. They're different. Making the choice of having children or not is one I know that neither you nor David took lightly.

What I do know about you is that you have a tremendous capacity to love, to teach, to share, to encourage, and to nurture. And whether you go for that child now or stay comfortable with the decision you made years ago, I know that it will be the right one for you.

Love you ♥

patti said...

What a lovely place to contemplate your navel in!

Wanting a child and not having one must be so hard at times. Yay for the journal and meditation where you can make sense of your feelings.

You are a beautiful creative soul Kim...I love your marionette!!

Dosfishes at Sparkle Days Studios said...

It's hard to realize that those passages are upon us as I am firmly past that one. You have such a loving family and are so involved and your art is your child surely too, you have moved your creative spirit there. Glad you had some beachy time, I know it restores your soul. xox Corrine

Julie said...

Hugs to you, Kim!

Woodland Rose said...

Kim, I also chose not to bear my own children, and it is the right decision for me too. However, those hormones and society's pressures do chafe us on occasion. This is good. I find it hard to be around people who never question their choices. Sitting with your sadness by the sea was the best medicine. I too have been blessed as an auntie and did I whoop it up having fun with them and then giving them back at the end of the day. Enjoy your niece. She needs you to be more objective and fun than her mom and nurture your inner child at the same time.

laurie said...

i am 47 and do not have children. i am a teacher and an auntie with a great life. sometimes i wonder if i will ever regret not having kids but it has not happened yet. you seem to have a full life, as well. even though there will always be a road not taken, our blessings will continue to surround us. :-)

Cinner said...

Dearest Kim, I know we have talked about this before since we are in the same boat, I understand those days when that feeling of wanting a child seems overwhelming. You will always be surrounded by love ones and I think those nieces are very very lucky..giving you a big hug and sending you very sincere understanding and love. hugs cinner

beth said...

oh kim....you are so loved and loving and incredibly honest with what you wrote and shared.

somedays i wonder just the opposite of you....what would my life have been like without children.

life is a curious thing isn't it.

xoxox

Nadeja said...

All is well. we make decisions, we live with them...we live through themm...Life conspires to make it all good. It's all good as we continue to move forward. Every little thing in the past has brougth us to this moment and all is well.
You are so wonderful. Your heart is pure and I love you so much.
Mom
And what great art!!!!too. xoxoxo

Pretty Things said...

I love your art -- and I love that view, especially thinking NH isn't as hot as MD!

Dream With the Fishes said...

I know just how you're feeling, Kim. Me too. I just turned 44 and there's this part of me that's freaking out about it, telling me - it's now or never when it comes to having a baby. I know I'm not going to, but there is still part of me that is suddenly making herself heard and making wonder whether I've made a big mistake. Still, there are women who have given birth in their late 40's and even into late 50's. I think I heard of a woman in her 60's even! I honestly don't think that's for me, but it's good to know it's possible.

Your nieces sure are beautiful creatures! Thank goodness you have them to dote on!

The hormone thing has been getting to me, as well. All these weird symptoms, from emotional stuff, to racing heartbeat and a whole host of other crap. Meditation is good. Probably the best thing you can do. And also eating healthy. And, of course, it's mega-therapeutic to express yourself creatively and you do a fanTAStic job of that! I LOVE your sunflower girl and the marionette! Love the cheery, happy colors and just the absolutely joyful energy they exude.

Hugs!

joyfulploys said...

Hi Kim...thanks for coming by. Your art is lovely. You have received some lovely comments here. I'll only add...make peace with yourself about your decision.
Mary

joyfulploys said...

Hi Kim...thanks for coming by. Your art is lovely. You have received some lovely comments here. I'll only add...make peace with yourself about your decision.
Mary

The Bodhi Chicklet said...

Well, this is a tough one. We yearn for some things, don't we? And we make choices, sometimes the Universe seems to make them for us. Parenting requires enormous sacrifices. And you know I adore my son, that the sun and the moon rise out of his-you-know-what but every now and then I wonder how I would have lived my life differently if..I guess the important thing is to try to not hang on to regrets. It's impossible to not HAVE regrets occasionally but to fell them, recognize them as familiar territory then release them. Big Love back at 'ya!