Saturday, August 1, 2009

Open During Restoration and Maintenance

So I have been dealing with some issues the past couple of weeks. Issues of self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-love. You see, I was in a really great place for a little while, doing the work, walking the talk, and feeling so much better. Like I had found the perfect tools for me and I was actually picking them up and using them.



Then I slacked off. I left the tools where I had found them and returned to some old patterns...ones that didn't work for me before...and don't work for me now.

(reminder postcard - July '09 - Restore and Maintain)


Anyone will tell you that if you fall off the wagon, you get bruised and it hurts !

My hurts are centering around the heart and self-image. I am mad at myself, kind of hate parts of myself and I even feel like I deserve to be punished for my "mistakes".

Now that's some icky kind of self-imposed pain, my friends !

But here is one thing I have learned,

one thing I know for absolutely true...


Pain is the Catalyst to Change.


I got pain because I forgot to use my tools.

I got pain because I forgot that I need to maintain my Self, through care, forgiveness, gentle acceptance and...you know what is coming,

...LOVE.


My caring connection to my self got disrupted, like the power not reaching the appliance when there is a loose wire somewhere...


I got the pain because
I had change.



So now I am in the shop.

Going in for some restoration and maintenance that I should have been doing all along.

This is going to include some hard work, like forgiving myself, and avoiding self-hate. Also some gentle tune ups like meditation, celebrating the good stuff about me more, eating better, and getting this sweet, oh so forgiving body moving more, etc...

It's going to take some time.

That's okay though, because every day is a new day.

Every day is Day One.

And for this I am so very, very grateful !



(The quote on my postcard comes from the book "Happiness is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life by Sylvia Boorstein, Ph.D.". The amazingly positive, always inspiring, and infinitely kind Snap from
Tales From Twisty Lane, shared this little treasure on her blog this week, right at a moment that I sooooo needed to read it. It felt like a message being sent to me from Above through Snap's sweet voice. Thanks, Universe and Ms. Boorstein ! And thanks, sweet Snap !)

12 comments:

Snap said...

You are welcome Rock Fairy! :D :D

Smile -- its catching! :D :D

sherry lee said...

Pain does prompt us to change...it's the inner reminder when things aren't "on track".

I'm sorry that you have been going through this and yet, with your spirit and your sense of "I will" I know that you will move forward. Sometimes reaching our destiny (not destination...our destiny) isn't a straight path. Most of the time it twists and turns..it goes sideways and backwards before it moves forward again.

I love the photo - the black and white and then the colour -- it's so reflective of who you are.

And this is what I refer to about the "learning" and then the "knowing". Some things we learn immediately, some we need to practice and remind and revise with before we reading the "knowing". Change within ourselves never happens overnight. It is a continues process.

One day at a time, each day for what it is. (((((love you bunches)))) ♥

Commuter's Journal said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time, Kim. Maintenance is hard, much harder than restoration and repair. Without the adrenalin produced by change, it's easy to slip back into old ways.

But know this -- the greatest change doesn't happen while we are fixing things but afterward. Think of fixing a dishwasher. You actually derive no immediate benefit while the dishwasher is being repaired. In fact, you have to go through the inconvenience of washing everything by hand. But once the dishwasher is fixed, you enjoy the benefits days and weeks and even months later while you're entertaining and don't have to wash a mountain of dishes by hand.

So hang in there, Kim. You're doing the hard work and the benefits will come. In the meantime, can you hear me clapping my hands? I know all of our friends in Bloglandia will be clapping, too. We believe in the Rock Fairy!

3rdEyeMuse said...

I feel you ... been there, done that and STILL doing all of it myself ... I feel you deeply & I love the way your words capture that ... express the depths & the heights.

I'm glad that you are bright enough to see the truth and brilliant enough to also see that every day really IS day one and another chance to practice being exactly who and what you are meant to be.

other than that, I may not have tons of wisdom or suggestions to help, but I can let you know that you are not alone.

Marcyanna said...

Just want to say I love your blog and find it very inspiring! You are unafraid to express what many of us go through. Thank you and hang in there!

lynne h said...

my god, kim, this is a beautiful post... tears are in my eyes because i can relate... so many times i've had to go in for maintenance and restoration...

the journey is rigorous at times...

so much love your fellow traveler,

lynne

Julie Prichard said...

You are one of the wisest people I know.

deb did it said...

Julie nailed it. YOU ARE WISE. and Kim, you are brave, open and honest. We have much to learn from you. WE all need to get off the Merry Go Round for a little maintenance every now and then. The key is to jump off the horse before we get out of control. and you, my friend are in charge. so keep calm and carry on. do the work. love yourself. breathe. forgive. love. and keep making art. it saves our lives!

Alberta said...

See, this is why I love you. You put this out there because you're honest and good. Not only are you helping yourself, you'll help someone else who needs to the reassurance that there IS help and that, even though it's really hard work, you can heal yourself. I sound like I know what I'm talking about because I do. I need regular restoration and maintainance myself because I forget to use my tools sometimes too. I fall into old destructive patterns and it hurts. But I too have learned how to repair myself.

It makes me very sad that you've been going through all this. You don't deserve to feel like you've been feeling, but, as we both know, you rarely get what you deserve. Kim, you are a loving, wise, and generous woman. You deserve all the wildflowers in the world, and I wish I could bring them to you in person with a great big hug.

XOXO,
Alberta

Kate said...

Kim,

You are right pain does lead to change. The good thing is that you are recognizing the mistake and are taking steps to move forward. I have found that I recognize things quicker each time I get depressed. I now can say that its a feeling and I can change that. I too have tools I have discovered and I have to remember to use them. Remember the encouragement box maybe it would be a good idea to have something similar when we sink into despair that reminds us of the tools we need to use, of who we really are and how to come back to that. you are in my thoughts my queen and I hope things are looking brighter soon,

Kate

kikipotamus said...

Everyday IS day one. And thank goodness. We have all been right there. We all slip, we all start to forget to use the tools we know work. The most important part you already know: compassion for yourself. Gently, gently.

Tumble Fish Studio said...

There you are, bravely sharing your soul again. I admire that so much, but I'm sorry you have had some hurting days. I tend to go through short periods of hurting too but a bit different - I fill up with self pity and self protection instead. I know why I do it and I can't change the original reasons/happenings for it, but, my self pity is negative and blue all the same. I have found that for me it usually means I am off balance, been focusing too much in some places and not enough in others, forget to work on who I want to be instead of dwelling on what I once was. A therapist once told me that I can blame people (some very deservedly so) for what happened to me in the past, but I can't blame them for who I am today. That part is all up to me and it is a constant effort to drive myself to be who I want to be today and that doesn't include mourning over what happened in the past or the little girl it happened to, it might be my last day to try and be the full grown fulfilled, strong, and content person I want to be. So keep carrying on my friend, you will find you and it will get easier to find the true you, you want to be.