So I awoke this morning to a really bad nightmare. (Or a day mare, I guess as it was just before 6:00am). The dream was so vivid and horrible and hard to shake off. I woke up sobbing and shaking. David took me in his arms and held me, which usually works to banish any bad dreams away, but this one kept flashing in my head and making me feel all the feelings of the dream over and over.
The dream was about my Dad. I have dreamed of him being hurt or even dying many times since he died 14 years ago. I have also dreamed of him "visiting"me and where things are peaceful and sweet, but most often, when I dream of him, it is in this traumatic way.
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It makes sense to me as his dying was the worst thing that has even happened to me. I was only 30 when he died. He left us much too soon. I also had my share of issues with him that I have gone on to try and resolve on my own. I have always said that my Dad was the person I loved the most and also hated the most in my life. I know now that the hate is over and healed but he still was the most challenging relationship of my life.
So why is this a topic for Thankfulness Thursday or my Weekly Gratitude piece ?
Because today, and every day, I am so grateful for our incredible ability to heal ourselves.
This morning, as I described the dream to my mom, I realized that we are coming into the exact time of year when my Dad was dying. He died on March 3rd. The month of February was full of trauma and fear and uncertainty that year as we went through the process with him. It is strange how some years the pain is worse than others - some years it has been close to pain-free. But this year, I obviously needed to heal some more of that big hurt and my whole being - even my
unconscious mind, was going to make sure I did it !
This morning, I had a good, deep, cry for the loss of my Dad. I asked those unanswerable "why ?" questions. I was sad. I mourned a little bit more. I did a page in my journal in honor of the day's feelings. I lit a candle to send a message of love to his spirit. I know I am going to continue this process throughout the day and for as long as I need to.
Today, I used my heart, my mind, my body
and my being's incredible powers for healing,
and I healed one more little piece of
that big, big, hurt.
And for that,
I am very thankful.
I know I am usually a much more upbeat type of blogger, but I am also a honest one. While I try to focus on what is right in my world, I also don't want to ignore or deny the harder stuff we all face in this life. I think we have a lot of work to do to help one another mourn better in this society. Feeling those feelings of hurt and loss is a natural part of our life as human beings, just as feeling joy and love are. While I am not grateful for the hurt or the loss, I am grateful of the places that healing the hard stuff takes me to.
It's all part of being a Big Heart Walking, I guess...
Wishing you sweet moments of healing too, Beautiful Ones...
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25 comments:
Hi Kim,
Wow! That is powerful-I'm sorry for all the pain you have but as you said: Grateful for the ability to heal. I'm sending you good healing energy today and thinking of you.
p.s. There is a little something going on at my blog today if have time to visit. :-)
Hi Beautiful Rock Fairy ~ I love your honesty. This post is written from the heart which is where the best writing comes from. I would love to meet with you soon for a walk or a cup of coffee/tea so we could connect and share and maybe heal together. Know that I am thinking of you, praying for you and sending you warm wishes. Take care.
Hugs and Hugs and Hugs. Some times those feelings about our lost loved ones come up at the oddest of times, when you least expect them. Glad you just let it wash over you and felt it, even when it is hard. Your journal pages are beautiful, maybe even more so because you dealt with both sides of the emotions you feel for your dad.
oh sweetie....
I'm hugging you right now !
and your honesty is appreciated so so much...as is your heart !
You are a very honest blogger and that means there are good things to share and sad things to share and funny things...it's all part of who you are Kim..part of your big heart indeed.
I'm sorry that you started the day with a nightmare and you felt sad and you had tears..but tears are cleansing, they are never a bad thing. Tears remind us of our emotional connections and our emotional reactions..whether we are in balance or not and tears help to bring forth that balance.
I'm glad you were able to talk with your mother about this and she was able to remind you that you are coming into the "hard" time...it's obviously on your mind on a very deep level. I get that. I go through it with my sister's loss more than my mother's. Hard deaths, especially those where the person has been troubled/challenging/etc. hit us so very hard because of all the unknowns and the unresolved issues.
So I'm glad you took some journal time to dedicate to this very delicate issue in your life...the layers may never all be peeled away but the fact that your attitude and your philosophy shift as time goes on...that's a very good, healthy way to be.
Sending you major hugs and big kisses....know how much you are loved ♥
Healing and grieving. Our society has much to learn from and about the processes. A little bit at a time. Sometimes anniversaries will bring it all back. Dave is a keeper!
I am glad you are allowing the process of healing to be in your life. Grieving is hard work and unfortunately we can't miss one step of it.
Gentle hugs
SueAnn
Sending a big hug your way Kim. Take extra special care of yourself today, okay?
Hugs to you, dearest Kim- please know that we are here for you in sunshine AND shadow. Sending lots of love your way,
xoxo gretchen
I love that you share your feelings with all of us. I love your journal pages.
LuLu♥
Bravo for the hard work you are doing.
Thank you for sharing this, my Queen. I remember your posting about your dad before as a tribute, but this is different because it includes a shadow side as well. This really encourages me that I could some day in some way have a biological father whom I am estranged from. My main emotion towards him is indifference and resentment, which I'd thought was basically the only option, since he really hasn't changed. However, this helps me see that I can heal, and although I've already forgiven him, I may one day be able to more greatly feel the love I have for him that I am certain is there. It peeks out now and again before I feel weird about it because of the dark things. I love your example of integrating the whole of a person--seeing them realistically, but still being able to love and grieve and heal...and love...Thank you, my Queen, Love,
O
Kim,
I love that you can feel comfortable bearing your soul to us. I have the same sort of relationship with my dad and have done a lot of healing work since he passed too.
There is a group on Ning http://www.jenslove.com/ that deals with those dealing with loss and all that jazz. You could check it out if you feel the need.
Take care of yourself.
Kate
Blessings to that big heart of yours Kim, and all the healing it shares with us all, xo Karin
Isn't it interesting how our unconscious minds deal with things? Even though you are past the "hate" part, perhaps that war of love/hate for him is what keeps bringing him back to you in such a way. Like how hot/cold air produces a thunderstorm... Keep healing, sistah.
i LOVE your journal pages...your messages, colors, the feeling...delicious and deep, scrumptious and soulful!! & my whole heart to your honest heart about your nightmare and about your dad (by the way, mine died march 4 last yr..1 day & yrs. apart from yours...but just wanted to share my heart)...healing is a beautiful thing for sure & so is your heart!!! xo
Thanks you for sharing such a touching page. I'm so glad you found my blog. You are being added to my favorites now. Art Jounaling can be so healing. Your pages are all wonderful. I am going to look at the rest of your blog now. Take care!
This is amazing Kim...reading this really helped me to put things in perspective. I lost two very important people in my life when I was 6 (uncle) then 8(grandma)...both suddenly and I was shocked to find that in my 30s I've finally been abe to feel the feelings of not having them in my life. Aside from my parents, these two were the two adults I loved more than anything and even so little, I felt I needed to be strong, make it makes sense, and move on. Truth is, I still miss them. This post has helped me to feel that again...and understand why it has come back now of all times.
*hugs and healing*
My dear Kim, look how by sharing your pain you have opened the door and made it safe for all these lovely souls who have also been hurt to share their wounds. You truly are the Queen of Hearts.
I suspect your dream was prompted by the limbic memory of the trauma you experienced at this time of year. There are those who believe that the physical emotions of trauma leave a kind of scar in the part of the brain that controls emotion. Your dream may have been prompted by a kind of seasonal PTSD from your loss. The reason it was so strong may have been because of all the work you are doing -- you have chipped away at the wall that was hiding this and now it is closer than before.
But don't loose faith, Kim. These things often hurt the most right before we vanquish them. Keep spreading the royal Rock Fairy love and doing the work and you may soon find yourself able to view these memories from a safe place and know that you are fully healed.
This was a very poignant ode to your dad. Very sincere...you are also wise to have shared here as this post will always be here for you to return to when needed as the beautioful journal page will be. We all mourn in different ways and we all heal in different ways. I'd say your healing process is elevated because of the month and maybe just maybe this is his way of telling you it's all right. No eed to worry about the hate side of the relationship. It's over and done and he is guarding over and watching you until you meet again.
Thanks for sharing and congrats on having your wonderful understanding husband to help you through this. I've been there and mine has helped greatly. My story is different but in a way the same. We all have the occasional nightmeare but for different reasons. I preay you continue your healing journey and that it is most successful this year.
Teresa aka Tess
Kim,
That was an absolutely beautiful post. (I came over here through your comment at my OWOH giveaway...and Connie's Love Letters!!...but haven't even gotten to your giveaway yet.)
I seriously have tears in my eyes - I lost my father only a few short years ago as well (when I was 28) and have similar dreams every now and then. Like you, I too find myself feel deep grateful for the ability to go so deep into the fire and come out more alive.
I look forward to spending more time with you through the Love Letters workshop and getting to know you more!
Thoughts are with you...
Lisa
the love/hate relationships are so very difficult, that I do understand. I can't imagine how hard it must be to grieve and resolve losses without having him here to be part of the process. Bless you and continue your courageous walk...
Kim, thank you for continuing to share your big huge heart TALKING with us. You remind us of the balance of life....we all hurt, heal and grow on the other side of joy, laughter and celebration. I also lost my dad way too early...keep him close to your big heart and far away from those bad dreams. and always know you are loved by so many, so deeply.
Very nice post. I like how colorful all your journal entries are. They are so nice to look at.
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