Despair’s teeth sunk in.
Three small birds rescued my heart.
I am free to love.
Yesterday, we got the news that our nephew’s Mike’s 7 year old daughter Kyara had died from injuries suffered in a horrible car accident.
We were not very close to this sweet little girl because of complicated family issues
but she was a very loved member of the Mailhot family. I especially remember the wonderful bubbly “little girl” energy she always brought to family gatherings and how much laughter there was when she is with us.
My heart aches for all of those who loved this little girl, taken from us way too soon, and in such a senseless way.
(candle on my altar for Kyara)
It seems to me that there were a lot of things this week that didn’t make any sense.
As a highly sensitive individual, I sometimes get overwhelmed with how much horror, sadness, loss and pain there is in this world.
If you know me at all, you know that my life mantra is “Love is the answer to every question.”
I know this is true.
And yet, when the horrible, sad, scary, senseless stuff piles up so high around me,
I sometimes forget that truth.
I let despair sink its cruel teeth into me, and try and drag me down into its depths.
I have to say that after the news of Kyara’s passing yesterday,
despair definitely got hold of me.
It was a very grey day in spite of the sun. I felt sad, lost, angry, helpless, useless and beaten down.
I woke up this morning, again feeling sad, lost, angry, helpless, useless and beaten down.
I was struggling just to perform the simple morning “mommy duties” here, and was mostly wishing to take a pill to shut down my brain, go back to bed, and pull the sheets up over my head for some indefinite amount of time…
Instead, with a little help from my amazing husband, who is going through his own grieving and sadness, I managed to get duties done, pour myself some coffee, and head into the studio to the computer.
That’s when they saved me.
I have this bird feeder that is now hanging from the very center of our gazebo frame on the back deck. The way it is hung has made it squirrel proof but it hasn’t had too much feeding action yet. I guess the birds haven’t been aware of its presence.
Well, they were this morning.
Just when I really needed them to be.
Not only were a bunch of little common finches and sparrows around, but I heard the magic twitter of my little favs, the chickadees, and suddenly, there they were, three of them all on the feeder at the same time. Twittering and eating away.
I love those little birds ! I felt joy at seeing them there.
I felt joy, in spite of the sadness, loss, helpless, hopeless crap.
Now, I can imagine many people saying “Whoopdidoo, Kim!”
I can even imagine myself saying that to me !
But this morning, those three little birds with their glorious “chickadee bee bee” twitter and their sweet, little black heads saved me.
I know today is going to be hard, and that I am going to have to keep looking towards the light to keep me from falling back down lower into those depths of despair.
But if those three little birds can bring me such tender sweet joy in my heart, there are a lot of other sweet, loving, beautiful things in this world that can too.
And heck, I don’t want to miss that ! That is the sweet stuff of living. Our one main purpose for being here on this crazy, bittersweet, beautiful planet. This my heart knows.
So from this very tender place, I am sending you, and myself,
Big Love, Beautiful Ones.
(Chickadee love – December 2011)
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you”.
~ Bob Marley