Holding in light…

Happy and I had a “I am sad” party last night.

I had my own sadness…

mostly about some big hurts from a relationship with a friend.

I am sure, too, that I was picking up on the sadness of the mass consciousness,

with the chaos in the world and remembering the losses of 9/11.

Whatever the cause, I was drawn to spending time just feeling those feelings of sadness and loss, rather than running from them or numbing them with some unhealthy balm like Moose Track ice cream.

I put on the mellow tunes,

lit a candle,

and immersed myself in the creative flow of an art journal page.

Hidden behind some of the collage papers on this page are some venting words,

getting the hurt out of my heart in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else but that helps heal it in me.

Art Journal Page – “I am fine.”, 9/10/13

Creating this page was cathartic.

And I think it is beautiful.

I am proud of myself for actually feeling it all.

And I am grateful to know these creative, healing tools to help me along the journey.

Today, I have the energy to hold myself, and my world in the light…

just as my brilliant friend, Terri St.Cloud of Bone Sigh Arts, and so many other brave and shiny hearts I know are doing.

Light and love, Beautiful Ones.

We are all in this together.

Shine on…

Counting my many, many blessings…

Sending prayers and love to people in Oklahoma,

and to all of those in need of them…

Holding my little light in the dark…

When it joins with yours, it shines even brighter…

Shine on, Beautiful Ones.

Love is still the answer...

I am heart broken.
My heart is broken into pieces by the horrors of last Friday, and the faces of those sweet children, victims of something so evil and horrible...

And yet, in spite of this shattering, I still have faith in the one thing I know.
Love is the answer to every question.

Love may not help us to understand the unthinkable. There is really no understanding this. But is the way for us to come through the heart break. It is the only way, I think.

So I look for ways to apply Love. In small, tender ways, because that is what I have the power to do. And I give gratitude for all that is good and right in my world, however small.
This is how you mend,
slowly...
a broken heart.

Today I love and am grateful for :
- the fact that David had turned on the lights on our Christmas branches first thing this morning so they were aglow when I got up.

- how funny Little Happy looks in his holiday garb !

- having sent several messages of deep love to some other wonderful hearts in my world today, connecting and reaching out in love.

-orders of Rock My World rocks that are heading out in the mail today, spreading love one little rock at a time into our tender world.

- my own faith in Love that unwavering in spite of it all.

Sending big love to you, Beautiful Ones. I am grateful to know you by heart.

Haiku My Heart–Three Small Birds

Despair’s teeth sunk in.

Three small birds rescued my heart.

I am free to love.

***********

Yesterday, we got the news that our nephew’s Mike’s 7 year old daughter Kyara had died from injuries suffered in a horrible car accident.

We were not very close to this sweet little girl because of complicated family issues

but she was a very loved member of the Mailhot family. I especially remember the wonderful bubbly “little girl” energy she always brought to family gatherings and how much laughter there was when she is with us.

My heart aches for all of those who loved this little girl, taken from us way too soon, and in such a senseless way.

(candle on my altar for Kyara)

It seems to me that there were a lot of things this week that didn’t make any sense.

As a highly sensitive individual, I sometimes get overwhelmed with how much horror, sadness, loss and pain there is in this world. 

If you know me at all, you know that my life mantra is “Love is the answer to every question.”

I know this is true.

And yet, when the horrible, sad, scary, senseless stuff piles up so high around me,

I sometimes forget that truth.

I let despair sink its cruel teeth into me, and try and drag me down into its depths.

I have to say that after the news of Kyara’s passing yesterday,

despair definitely got hold of me.

It was a very grey day in spite of the sun. I felt sad, lost, angry, helpless, useless and beaten down.

I woke up this morning, again feeling sad,  lost, angry, helpless, useless and beaten down.

I was struggling just to perform the simple morning “mommy duties” here, and was mostly wishing to take a pill to shut down my brain, go back to bed, and pull the sheets up over my head for some indefinite amount of time…

Instead, with a little help from my amazing husband, who is going through his own grieving and sadness, I managed to get duties done, pour myself some coffee, and head into the studio to the computer.

That’s when they saved me.

I have this bird feeder that is now hanging from the very center of our gazebo frame on the back deck. The way it is hung has made it squirrel proof but it hasn’t had too much feeding action yet. I guess the birds haven’t been aware of its presence.

Well, they were this morning.

Just when I really needed them to be.

Not only were a bunch of little common finches and sparrows around, but I heard the magic twitter of my little favs, the chickadees, and suddenly, there they were, three of them all on the feeder at the same time. Twittering and eating away.

I love those little birds ! I felt joy at seeing them there.

I felt joy, in spite of the sadness, loss, helpless, hopeless crap.

Now, I can imagine many people saying “Whoopdidoo, Kim!”

I can even imagine myself saying that to me !

But this morning, those three little birds with their glorious “chickadee bee bee” twitter and their sweet, little black heads saved me.

I know today is going to be hard, and that I am going to have to keep looking towards the light to keep me from falling back down lower into those depths of despair.

But if those three little birds can bring me such tender sweet joy in my heart, there are a lot of other sweet, loving, beautiful things in this world that can too.

And heck, I don’t want to miss that ! That is the sweet stuff of living. Our one main purpose for being here on this crazy, bittersweet, beautiful planet. This my heart knows.

So from this very tender place, I am sending you, and myself,

Big Love, Beautiful Ones.

(Chickadee love – December 2011)

Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you”.

~ Bob Marley

Time to Play Ball

Life has been all over the place around here lately.

A lot of sad news, like my friend Colleen’s untreatable metastasized breast cancer diagnosis.

Some scary stuff, like facing a lot of fear about medical tests myself, as well as waiting for results.

(All of which came back fine yesterday. Next up, Mammogram on April 3rd.)

Processing the sadness and the anxiety resulted in a whole lot of crazy monkey brain last week!!

So much so that this nutty page and equally weird haiku turned up in the journal.

I so wish I could get through my emotions a bit better instead of basically making myself a rather sick, nervous wreck.

I am proud of the fact that I did use some newer tools to help me through, and that the really icky, scary anxiety stuff was a little less intense than it has been in the past.

I told many a friend about what I was going through, and got a lot of wonderful support for my fears and feelings.

I used medication where needed, and also turned to meditation a few times. Man, those deep breaths and quiet moments can be so comforting.

And of course, the amazing support and unconditional love that my husband, David shows me is unbelievably precious to me.

This week, having received good news from my doc yesterday, and the fact that the weather has been so warm and sunny, I am coasting into a more hopeful and peaceful place, thank God!

That kind of shows up in my journal page today, don’t you think ?

I have been able to spend some important, tender and often sweet and fun time with Colleen, and will continue to do so as many times a week as our schedules allow.

Yesterday, we went to Pandora store at the mall and chose this Friends Forever Butterfly dangle charm for our bracelets.

It is so perfect as a symbol of our friendship !

It reminds me of the magical day a few years back, where we stopped at this out of the way attraction called “The Butterfly Place”, and shared an hour or so in awe as butterflies of all kinds flew around us in a spectacular, beautiful show.

Our gang of artsy friends have planned a long weekend away on Cape Cod in two weeks.

Girl time, sea and sand, and LOVING. I know it will be such a balm for all of our tender spots.

So today, I will find some sweet ways to celebrate the first day of Spring,

also the birthday of Thomas, my whiz kid awesome nephew!

I think it will include the first grilling time of the season

and definitely some time outside playing with this beautiful Chica-Dog !

Spring is here, so let’s play ball, Beautiful Ones !

Big, big love to you !

Haiku My Heart–Love Pod

Inside my Love Pod…

Trust, hope,compassion and joy .

It’s my happy place.

 

********************

Going to try and hang out in my Love Pod today.

I feel like I am needing shelter from the scary, the sad, the painful.

I am grateful that the pod is always available to me,

even though sometimes it is a hard job to climb back inside it and live from within it.

A-climbing I shall go.

I hope you find your way to you own Love Pod today, Beautiful Ones.

Big Love !

 

More haiku my heart love at recuerda mi corazon

Share the Joy Thursday : The Acme of Our Own Happiness

Some days, Joy feel so abundant and easy to focus on…

as abundant as the snowflakes that fall over night, covering the tree branches with a cozy, white shawl.

Other times, when we get heavy-hearted with the “why’s” of life,

or with sadness, fears of loss, regrets…

Joy is harder to find, and much harder to focus on.

And yet that is the time when JOY is the most important for us to find.

Focusing on the joy in life helps us find meaning in our “whys”.

It helps us feel comforted in our sadness.

It helps us bring lightness back into our heavy hearts.

It helps us return to the acme of our own happiness.

(my new favorite phrase)

And to remember that in spite of the sad, bad, ugly, seemingly hopeless, moments,

we have this one precious day to truly be here in love, in life, in joy.

And what a joy there is in that.

 

****************************

One of my dear friends was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer yesterday.

There will be no chemo or radiation.

There will be a focus on quality of life.

Shouldn’t that be our focus every day ?

The  prescription she received as she left the doctor’s office :

“Go and live.”

I am going to follow those orders right along with her.

Be here today, Beautiful Ones, in love, in life, in joy !

 

For more joy sharing, visit the beautiful Meri at Meri’s Musings.

Haiku My Heart – Being here now.

I am sad today.

Friends in pain, hardships abound.

I send light and love.

**********************

“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human - in not having to be just happy or just sad  - in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.”
― C. JoyBell C.

 

for more haiku and to add your light and love to the beautiful web,

visit recuerda mi corazon.

(This post is dedicated to my Haiku My Heart friend, Spadoman, and his beautiful, beautiful heart. Peace to you, Man. )

For Today, Monday March 14, 2011

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...it is grey, warmish and most of the snow has melted down to the icky dirty leftovers. A spring day in New England.

I am thinking…that though I woke up crooked (nightmares, bad dreams, crazy brain thoughts upon wakening), I will do my very best to shake that. My life is so good, and I am going to focus on that.

I am thankful for...the fact that every day is Day One, and that I was given the gift of this day.

From the kitchen...fresh pineapple and strawberries, and oatmeal.

I am wearing...my pale purple Land’s End robe and my old green clogs…

I am creating...collages/paintings on 12 X12 canvases and pages in my art journal.

I am going...to get showered and dressed early today so I can be ready for anything.

I am reading...”The Help” by Kathryn Stockett .

I am hoping…that the world will come together to help those who are suffering so badly right now. There is always Hope, right ?

I am praying for…and sending love to the people of Japan,and for all of us on this planet.

I am hearing...the quiet of Monday morning on my street, birds chirping, motors humming.

Around the house...animals nap, plants need repotting, laundry needs putting away and the art table beckons…

One of my favorite things...clean, soft, white cotton sheets and a down comforter – bed heaven !

A few plans for the rest of the week: Meditation Monday tonight, a haircut, finding a gift for my nephew Thomas for his 8th birthday this weekend, and a trip to La Conception, Quebec this weekend to celebrate ! My first trip to the peeps since Christmas ! Yikes !

Here are some pictures I am sharing…

My latest art journal page : Word of Wisdom.

Inspired by the lyrics of the Beatles song of course :

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....

The words gave me comfort yesterday as I struggle with all that is happening in our world.

My Angel looks kind of tired and sad…appropriate, don’t you think ?

I hope you find some comfort and good things to hold onto today too, Beautiful Ones.

Light and Love !

15 Years Ago Today.

This is a photo of my Dad and me at my high school graduation.

It was 29 (gulp) years ago.

I was 16.

This is a picture of my Dad about 5 or so years before he died.

He was about 50 in the photo.

Yves de Broin,

Born - March 24th, 1941, Died - March 3rd, 1996

My Dad died 15 years ago today.

He was 54 and I was 30.

All these years mean that my Dad has missed most of the most important things that happened to me in my adult life.

It  has been 15 years filled with changes and events and growing that he did not live through with me.

And yet, in many ways , his passing feels so much more recent.

Strange things, time and loss…

March 3rd will always be a sad day for me.

But a day I can still find gratitude and appreciation for so much.

A day where I think about all I have become and how much I wish I could share with him.

A day that I give thanks for the gifts he gave me and for the good times, the loving and memories.

The day that I miss him very much and wish so much he could at least come for a visit

and give me one of those hugs that only your Daddy can give you.

A day of joy and sorrow, if that makes any sense…

Thinking of you, loving you, and missing you, my Daddy.

And sending extra special love to others who are missing him today too.

xoxo

Kimbo.

I Can Fly With A Little Help from My Friends...

"Keep Walking" Art Journal page from March 2009

Rumi Poem - click to enlarge

So I am feeling a little less sad today. My sadness is justified, real and kind of related to family and old patterns and stuff that I choose not to share here so as not to hurt anyone or to cast blame anywhere, because no one is to blame for any of it...not even me ! ;) Learning to feel emotions but not let them control my entire world or even my day is kind of a new thing for me but it feels really right. I have learned a lot of tools recently that are helping me do this. Things like trying to keep my thoughts in the here and now, calling a good friend and letting is all out for a while, losing myself in the moment by playing in my art journal and just reassuring myself that this is all okay.

Maybe this sounds like something that should come easier than this to some of you, but as someone who has been extremely depressed in the not so distant past, really strong "negative"emotions are kind of scary for me still. I don't want to go back to that dark place. I am really proud of me for how far I have come and how much I have learned about how to stay more healthy emotionally. And that is how life is, isn't it ? When you think you have finally learned something true, the universe send something to test you on it ! So far, I know I have learned the material and I am passing the test !

Something happened this morning that helped me feel cheered, loved and humbled way more than sad ! My incredibly talented friend Marsha from Tumblefish Studios created a piece in my honor called the "Queen of heArts". It is so beautiful ! She actually used my face and did her Marsha collage magic to create an image of Rock Fairy Love that blows me away ! Not only did she make a gorgeous pieces of art, but she wrote a post about me that touched me to my very core.

Life is so very, very good, you know. Love is the answer to every question, right ? And when you put a little bit of yourself out there, the gifts of love that come back to you are enough to leave you completely in AWE.

When I wrote my Love Letter to Blogland last week, it weren't no lie ! The connections that I get to make here are real and so very dear to me. How lucky are we, Bloggers ???So very, very lucky...

As I said yesterday, I am leaving for a week-long trip to Montreal and to Mont Tremblant tomorrow. I won't have much access to computer while I am up there (my sister in Tremblant only has access to dial-up in her mountain home !), so I will catch up with everyone next week when I get back.

This is probably my last post until then so I wanted to take part in a fun Tuesday project that Lesley at the Funky Art Queen is hostessing. It is the second annual Ten Tiny Things Contest. Lesley challenges us to take a photo of ten tiny things around the house, link the photo to her blog and on Sunday, she will decide a winner for the best photo and list ! Winner gets a sweet Funky Art Queen prize yet to be named !

Here's my shot :

Ten Tiny Things - June 2009

1. Green Stretchy Alien with Broken Antenna 2. Little Man 3. Little Man's Yellow Jeep 4. "be you" Rock 5. 16MG Memory Card 6. tiny purple flower (unknown name) from my garden 7. Silver Angel Charm 8. Glass Heart 9. Gold Unicorn Charm that I got when I was twelve from my godmother 10. black key from 7Gypsies

So there you have it ! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week and keep those lovely Blogland home fires burning while I am away, okay ? I will look forward to warming myself by them when I get home !